Thoughts on Sobriety and the Sacrament

Sobriety

The word sober doesn’t just apply to alcohol. From the thesaurus on my trusty Mac:

1 - The driver was clearly sober; not drunk, clearheaded; teetotal, abstinent, abstemious, dry; informal on the wagon. antonym drunk.
2 - A sober view of life serious, solemn, sensible, thoughtful, grave, somber, staid, levelheaded, businesslike, down-to-earth, commonsensical, pragmatic, conservative; unemotional, dispassionate, objective, matter-of-fact, no-nonsense, rational, logical, straightforward. antonym frivolous.

Therefore the words sober and sobriety apply well to abstinence from sexual (or any) addictions.


Sobriety does not necessarily equal recovery

I realized this concept one day during my weekly recovery meeting. Its converse is also true: Recovery progress does not have to include sobriety.

For example, I served a faithful two-year mission for the LDS church. I had no access to pornography, so therefore I was sober. Yet I realize now that my addiction was alive, yet dormant, the entire time. I had simply buried my problem, but like a moldering campfire it could spring up at any time. After my mission it did just that. Before my mission I made the mistake of thinking that sobriety equaled recovery – this was not true.

As a personal example of the converse statement I can point to my progress over the past four months since beginning recovery meetings. My life has improved dramatically as I have progressed spiritually and emotionally by leaps and bounds. Yet, my lengths of sobriety have not noticeably increased (until recently). Have I just been spinning my wheels for four months? I don’t believe so.

The Lord has been busy fixing my insides. He has been adjusting my habits, clearing my mind, and changing my thinking. These changes have brought peace and understanding back to my life. I can, and do, feel progress in my recovery even though I do not see long lengths of sobriety.


Some thoughts on the Sacrament

For years I thought that sobriety was everything, and without it there was no success, no progress, and no worthiness. I have refused the sacrament many, many times thinking that I had not abstained long enough to merit partaking.

Is there some magical length of time in the laws of heaven after which a sinner all of a sudden becomes worthy once again?

Of course not! I am worthy to partake of the sacrament when I am “willing to take upon [me] the name of thy Son,” when I am willing to “always remember him,” and when I am willing to “keep his commandments.” It is this willingness, this sincerity and real intent, that merits the promised reward that I “may always have the spirit to be with [me].”

How else can the sinner truly forsake his sins without the help of the spirit? The notion that only the sinless can feel the spirit is completely and ridiculously false! It is the sin-riddled that need the spirit all the more!

I now partake of the sacrament regardless of how long I have gone without giving in to my addiction. Instead, I examine my heart. I ask myself, “Today, at this moment, am I willing to give away all my sins to know the Lord?” If the answer is yes, then I partake – and I believe that I do so worthily.

Only I know if I am being honest with myself – sincerity is the core of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I testify of the goodness that has returned to my life since I have begun to partake of the sacrament in this light.

Love and Loneliness

I wonder how much of the world is lonely, but won’t admit it? Am I an anomaly because I feel so very lonely all the time? Or is my sorrow a direct result of my addiction, or, more directly, of my depression? How much of the world is lonely?

Am I alone in my loneliness?
I most often give in to temptation when I am lonely. At times I feel so sickeningly alone. It seems that there is a hole somewhere in me that cannot be filled by anything but a loving companion. I love my family and am close to them, and I have friends in school and at work, yet these relationships do not fill the emptiness in my soul. In my inner-most workings is my addiction just a cheap attempt to fill this gap?

The Greeks have four words to describe the single English word ‘love.’ Each word has a completely different meaning and, upon consideration, English speakers must concede that using a single word for them all is imprecise.

Consider the differences between the following phrases: “I love you man!” “I love my children.” “You are the love of my life.” And, “I love the Lord.” Clearly each of these instances implies a vastly different intention! The Greeks quantized it as follows:

philo – Brotherly love, as in “Phila-delphia,” the City of Brotherly Love.

storge – The natural familial affection between parents and children.

eros – Romantic love between and man and a woman. Although this love does not have to be sexual in nature, it is the root of the word ‘erotic.’ Plato, though, used the term to denote an appreciation of true inner and outer beauty.

agape – “The pure love of Christ,” or Charity. It is this word that is used in the commandment, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” Agape is the deepest and purest form of love. It is the love that God has for us and it is the love that we must nurture for him and for all mankind.

I believe that each of these loves has a place in a man’s heart. I feel brotherly love towards my friends and acquaintances, deep familial love for my family, and more and more I feel a sincere love for God and all of his children. What I do not have is eros – I lack a pure and delightful love for a woman. I must concede that my addiction to pornography is likely a misguided attempt to meet this need.

Yet this hypothesis brings up a daunting paradox: If my current addiction is in some ways an attempt to compensate for lack of a real relationship, how can I overcome it without a relationship to take its place? Can I expect a woman to fall in love with me in the current state I’m in? Does it have to be either or? Or can I fall in love with a real woman at the same time as my addiction to fantasy women is carried away? Is it fair to expect this of a woman?

I have often heard from ecclesiastical leaders and from other men in recovery meetings that marriage does not cure this addiction. If not properly overcome by faith and trust in the Savior, the moldering coals of false desire will fire up again.

At this time I don’t understand, but I have to force myself to believe.
Part of me thinks that if I fall in love with a woman and get married, my addiction will go away. The hole in my heart will be filled. But the logical and reasonable part of me concedes that this problem is much more involved than simply a longing for female companionship.

To actually recover I must be healed – not just filled. The flaws in my thinking, the habits of my mind, and the ridiculous expectations and desires I have for women must be changed.

I’m slowly learning that this addiction is so very much more than loneliness, no matter how poignant that state of mind may be. The Lord is teaching me how to come to him. As I relearn the gospel step by step (this time in my heart) it is all I can do to appeal to his grace to take the loneliness and the sadness from my heart.

It is by faith that he gives me hope to assuage my pains.
It is my faith that someday I will have the most sincere desire of heart – the desire to love and be loved.