All I Can Do

“For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

2 Ne. 25: 23

In my desire to understand grace I have often been puzzled by this phrase from the Book of Mormon. “…after all we can do.” The phrase didn’t seem to fit what I felt in my heart – I felt that it was only by grace that I could be completely saved. I thought the scripture should say, “…for we know that it is by grace that we are saved.” With a period at the end. I was uncomfortable with the metaphor, “We climb as far out of the hole as we can, and then the Lord will pull us up the last bit.” This notion didn’t seem to fit with the rest of the Gospel, which emphasizes faith, forgiveness, and mercy.

I understood the necessity of correct ordinances performed with authority from God (Baptism, the Gift of the Holy Ghost, etc.). I understood that “...faith without works is dead...” and that any true follower of Christ will live a life in conformity with his commandments. I understood that repentance has to be real and has to result in a change of heart and a change of lifestyle. My confusion wasn’t with the grace/works debate – it was with the order.

I can see true believers around me who live good lives – lives without hypocrisy. But how did they get that way? Did they walk the walk long enough that they began to actually fit in? Will Christ change me if I try hard enough for long enough? Or is there some sort of way to receive his grace and then live in obedience? Which comes first: Obedience, or grace?

My answer came one night as I prayed on my bed in my little apartment here in Provo, Utah. Like Nephi, my eyes watered my pillow as I finally and painfully laid my heart out before God. My sincerity was surprising, and my honesty was devastating. I had run out of ideas. I had run out of little methods or plans or tricks to overcome my addiction. For the first time in my life I did not know what to do. For 10 years I had tried and tried dozens – hundreds! – of little methods to help myself. None of them had worked. And here I was – out of ideas.

I could do nothing!

This revelation shocked me like I have never felt before – I cried out of pure helplessness, like a child unable to care for itself. This was the end.

My mustard-seed of faith sprouted one final, novel, brilliant!, yet wholly unconsidered path. The idea that came so clearly into my mind at that moment of despair was that I really could do nothing. All I could do was rely on the Lord. Then, like Joseph and Oliver at the time of their baptism, my eyes of understanding were opened and the scriptures were laid before me,

“…for [I] know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

All I can do is trust in the Lord.