The Beginning

I suppose different people have different reasons for becoming addicted to pornography. I’ll speak for myself – I believe I took an interest out of curiosity. At thirteen years old, what boy isn’t curious about sex? Combining naivety about sex with the natural impulses of a young man, I fell headlong into my current problem. I imagine many young boys run across pornography -it's nearly impossible to imagine that a boy could escape it nowadays! But the difference between me and all the rest of the young men who don't develop a serious problem is that I started to lie to myself. As my addiction worsened - so did my secrets and my lies. I began to life a false life.

At first I didn't see any adverse effects from my pornography use. But as I grew older I slowly began to realize that little by little, my sins were wearing me down. My joy was being numbed. Any hope or faith I once had was waning quickly. I was on autopilot through life.

When it came time to serve a mission for the LDS church, I understood the necessity of becoming morally clean. I had an honest desire to serve a mission – my testimony had been growing and I had just read the whole Book of Mormon for the first time. I had enough faith in the Lord to see the blessings that I would receive by serving a mission, and I had a sincere desire to teach the Gospel. So, I did what I imagine many pre-missionaries do – I white-knuckled my way to purity.

Was this purity real? Of course it was! I felt real forgiveness of my sins. I was completely cleansed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ! This experience served as the foundation of my faith in Christ throughout my entire mission! I knew that the Lord forgave sins. I taught this. I served with purpose, with pure desire, with sincerity, and faith. I saw the blessings of the Lord in my life more clearly than I have ever seen them – before or after. I had no doubt then, and I have no doubt now, that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints possesses the true and unadulterated Gospel of Jesus Christ.

While I had received a remission of my sins and abstained from pornography, the underlying problems that led to my sins still existed. Lurking under the surface, I was still addicted to pornography and lust.

Returning home from my mission was the most difficult event of my life thus far. The addiction that had lain dormant for so long came roaring back to life. I was tossed to and fro like a ship without a rudder. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt alone – like no one else could understand or accept the real me. My life became a lie. I wore one mask for the world to see, and another when I looked myself in the mirror. After a few months I slipped into clinical depression.

In my depression I finally began my road to recovery.

I confided in my parents.

Their reaction was the most wonderful surprise of my life. They had compassion. They did not judge me. They reminded me of my goodness and told me that I was simply a good person with a problem. In a flash my spiritual paradigm changed completely. All of a sudden I was just another human being living in a fallen world.  I had never considered with such depth the effects of the world on all people. No longer the most wicked wretch in the church, the Lord began to fix my thinking.

I slowly began to see my pornography addiction as more than just sin – I realized that it is a mindset. You might go so far as to call it a lifestyle. I am addicted to lust – to looking at women with lustful thoughts. I am addicted to escaping my problems to a place where I feel good – even for just a short time. I'm addicted to lying to myself – to presenting a false person to the world. I'm addicted to rationalizing away my life – my joy -  only to live in regret and shame. As I opened up to the truth of my addiction, the Lord could finally begin the recovery process.

A few months ago, at the urging of my father, I began to attend the LDS Church Addiction Recovery Program. I now regularly attend the pornography addiction recovery meetings. In these meetings I feel like I'm at home.

This is the history of my addiction. It is long – about 10 years – and likely my recovery will be long. I'm going to tell you of my recovery in the coming months and years – I'll write of finding the Savior. And I'll write as I experience it.

I believe that if I am humble and honest then the Lord will save me from this fallen world.